I have come to realise that sometimes you need to experience something yourself to fully understand how another person feels.
A few days ago, I was talking with my brother and shared some of the experiences we have had as children and as adults. I remember telling him, “Bro, now I truly get it.” I now know how people feel when they lose a loved one.
When you hear that someone has lost a loved one, you may feel sorry for them. You understand that it is painful, and you may try to imagine what they are going through. But there is a difference between knowing that losing someone hurts and actually experiencing that loss yourself.
I understand it differently now because I have been there.
You Don’t Always Understand the Weight of a Loss
When someone dies, it is easy to think about the loss in terms of the person who is no longer here. But for those left behind, there is so much more.
Think about someone you have shared a significant part of your life with. Someone you could call, chat with, visit, or simply talk to about ordinary things.
Then suddenly, they are no longer physically here.
You cannot pick up your phone and call them. You cannot visit or have those conversations again. The things that once felt so ordinary are no longer possible.
And you find yourself asking questions you cannot get answers to.
Where are they? Are they okay? Will I ever see them again?
It is a difficult reality to come to terms with. Sometimes, even knowing that death is inevitable does not make losing someone any easier.
In When Goodbye Feels Too Soon: Coping with the Pain of Loss, I reflected on what it means to lose someone unexpectedly and the difficulty of learning to live with their absence.
Grief Is Not a Sign of Weakness
One thing I think we need to be more careful about is how we respond to people who are grieving.
You hear comments like, “You are doing too much,” or suggestions that someone should have moved on by now.
But really, do we understand what that person is going through? Is there a time frame for grief?
Some pain is like a scar. It may not always be visible, and it may not hurt in the same way every day, but certain things can bring the feelings back. A memory, a familiar place, a date, or something as simple as hearing a song can remind you of the person you have lost.
Grief does not follow a timetable. People experience it differently, and not everyone expresses it in the same way.
I think we need to allow people the space to feel what they feel without making them feel that they are grieving incorrectly. Losing someone is not easy to bear, and taking time to mourn does not mean someone is doing too much.
I explored this more personally in I Thought Strength Would Help Me Grieve. It Didn’t.. Sometimes, the pressure to appear strong makes it harder to be honest about how much we are hurting.
Give Yourself Room to Grieve
If you are grieving, allow yourself to feel without constantly questioning whether you should still be hurting.
You don’t have to pretend you are okay when you are not. You don’t have to rush yourself because someone else thinks it is time to move on.
Allow yourself to mourn without assuming that time alone will take everything away.
And please, don’t feel you have to carry it all by yourself. Having the right support system matters. Find people who will listen, who will allow you to talk about your loved one, and who will understand that remembering someone is not the same as refusing to heal.
Sometimes, being able to talk about the person you have lost is part of what helps you through the grieving process.
You aren’t doing too much because you are grieving. You are experiencing a loss, and you deserve the space and support to work through it.
I also wrote about giving yourself permission to mourn in Hello, August: Grieving without Guilt. There is no deadline for missing someone or learning to live with their absence.
Remembering Those We’ve Lost, and Those Still Here
As much as losing someone makes us think about the people who are no longer here, it also reminds us of the people who are still part of our lives.
While we are here, we have the opportunity to create memories with the people around us. To spend time together, have conversations, share laughter, show up for one another, and make the most of the moments we have.
One day, these ordinary moments may become the memories someone holds on to.
I don’t think we should wait until someone is gone before we appreciate what they mean to us. And while we cannot control how long we, or the people we love, will be here for, we can be more intentional about the time we share.
Tomorrow is not promised. That is not meant to frighten us, but it is something worth remembering.
I explored a similar thought in Life Is Fragile: Cherish Every Moment With Loved Ones.
A Moment to Reflect
We may not always understand the depth of another person’s pain, especially when we haven’t experienced something similar ourselves. But we can choose to be more thoughtful in how we respond.
We can listen without judging, offer support without imposing our expectations, and give people room to grieve in their own way.
And for those of us who have lost someone, may we find comfort in the memories we shared, the impact they made, and the moments we were fortunate to have with them.
Grief is more than what we see. Sometimes, the person who appears to be doing just fine is still learning to live with an absence that words cannot fully explain.
May we be kinder to those who are grieving, and may we also remember to cherish the people we still have.
Evolving With Cheta
A space for becoming yourself.