Many people don’t realise how much our upbringing impacts our self-image. Our upbringing—the words spoken to us, the love we felt or missed, and the expectations placed on us—shapes how we see ourselves today. Drawing from the insights of renowned expert Dr Gabor Maté, we begin to understand that the emotional environment of our childhood leaves lasting footprints that follow us into adulthood.
A Story That Might Sound Familiar
Let’s talk about Ada.
Growing up, Ada learnt that being “strong” meant hiding emotions. Praise came when she excelled in school, but there was little space for expressing fear or sadness. As an adult, Ada became hard-working and resilient, but deep inside, she struggled with self-doubt and the feeling that she was never truly enough. Her story is not unique.
Many people grow up in a culture that prioritises achievement and appearances while overlooking emotional needs. Understanding how your upbringing shapes your self-image sheds light on why many of us carry silent struggles, despite outward success.
Why Childhood Matters More Than We Like to Admit
The environment where a child grows shapes their brain and personality. Put simply, the way people treated you as a child—the love, emotional support, or lack of it—sets the tone for how you value yourself as an adult.
If your parents celebrated you for who you were, flaws and all, you likely developed a strong sense of self-worth. But if love seemed tied to your achievements or obedience, you might now struggle with constant self-criticism.
Recognising how your upbringing impacts your self-image as an adult is a critical step toward healing and growth, helping you become the person you were meant to be.
Emotional Neglect: The Pain We Don’t Always Talk About
In many homes, physical needs like food, shelter, and education take precedence. But emotional needs? Not so much. Gabor Maté reminds us that emotional neglect—when a child’s feelings are dismissed or ignored—can wound just as deeply as any physical hurt.
You might have been told, “Big boys don’t cry” or “You’re too sensitive.” Repeated statements like these teach children to bottle up emotions and hide their true selves.
This silent emotional neglect deeply influences how your upbringing affects your self-image as an adult, shaping how you handle relationships, challenges, and even success.
Wearing a Mask: The Struggle to Be “Good Enough”
Many children, often without realising it, begin to live with a “mask”—trying to behave in ways that earn approval. As adults, this shows up as people-pleasing, perfectionism, or a fear of failure.
If you constantly feel the need to prove yourself, or if deep down you believe you’re not “good enough”, ask yourself: whose approval are you still chasing? Acknowledging how your upbringing impacts your self-image is the first step toward taking off that heavy mask and finally breathing freely.
Healing Is Possible: Reclaiming Your True Identity
Thankfully, your story doesn’t have to end where it began. As Gabor Maté wisely says, “We must not confuse the behaviours we adopted to survive with who we are.”
You are more than your survival strategies. Beneath the layers is a strong, worthy, beautiful soul.
Healing begins by treating yourself with the kindness you may have missed growing up. It’s about affirming your worth, setting healthy boundaries, and sometimes seeking support through therapy, mentorship, community, or personal growth work.
A popular saying in Nigeria goes, “He who does not know the story of where he is coming from cannot know where he is going.” Understanding how your upbringing affects your self-image as an adult gives you the power to reclaim your future with wisdom and strength.
Your Story Matters
How has your upbringing shaped the way you see yourself today? I’d love to hear from you. Share your thoughts in the comments.
Remember, healing starts with awareness. Let’s walk this journey together.