I want to be upfront about something before you read this.
I am not writing this as one who has fully figured it out.
I am still learning on this journey how to put myself first. I still say yes sometimes when I mean no. I still feel guilty asking for help. I still sometimes catch myself running on empty and wondering how I got here again.
I am writing this as someone still figuring things out.
And maybe that is exactly why it needs to be said.
Motherhood Has a Way of Making You Disappear
It often comes in subtle ways, slowly, without you knowing.
It comes unannounced.
One small sacrifice here. One swallowed preference there.
You rush off your food because there is always someone who needs something. You jump in to help at the throw of a hat. You stop having strong opinions about anything because it is easier to go along with what everyone else wants.
And then one day, you are standing in your own kitchen, feeling like a spectator in your own life.
I have had that feeling more times than I want to admit.
The Society Does Not Help Either
Here is the complicated part.
The society looks at a mother who gives everything and calls her selfless.
It celebrates her as a strong woman.
And so when you are exhausted and running on empty and quietly disappearing, you won’t want to say it out loud. Because from the outside, you look like you are doing it right.
That silence is heavy.
I know because I have carried it.
What It Actually Feels Like
It is not often noticeable.
It is attending an event you didn’t want to because you couldn’t say no.
You say, “I am fine” when someone asks — not because you are fine, but because you don’t want to feel needy.
It is the loneliness of spending an entire day surrounded by people who need you and still feeling completely unseen.
It is the resentment that creeps in quietly, not toward your children, never really toward them, but toward the invisible weight of it all.
And then the guilt about the resentment starts creeping in, too.
Because you love being a mother, you chose it.
And yet.
I Am Still Learning This
I do not know the best way to say this. I wish I did.
What I can tell you is what I am slowly, imperfectly learning.
That wanting rest is not abandonment.
That asking for help is not a weakness.
That having something that belongs only to you — a thought, a hobby, an hour — does not make you less of a mother.
I am learning these things. Some days I make the effort. On some days, the old guilt comes back, and I give in to it.
But I keep working on being better.
Because I think the alternative — disappearing completely — costs too much. Not just for me but for my children, too. They are watching. And what I want them to see, even if I do not always get it right, is a mother who is trying to stay whole.
You do not have to be fully healed to start trying. You have to be willing to notice when you are disappearing — and choose, even imperfectly, to come back.
If You Are in This Too
Know that you are not alone. Many of us are still figuring things out.
You are not a bad mother for being tired.
You are not failing because you have needs.
You are a human who isn’t supposed to be perfect.
And that person matters too.
Still becoming. One quiet, imperfect step at a time.
→ Back to the full guide: How to Stop People-Pleasing
Before You Go
If this resonated — please, leave a comment below.
And if you know a mother who needs to read this today, kindly share it with her.
We are in this together.
With love,
Cheta Otiji